Demands On Family Life Abroad (1)

America isn’t very family friendly.  I didn’t quite understand it until I moved here myself (check out my post ‘Never say ‘never’“).  Parents  abroad are under pressure and faced with a lot of stress that parents in Nigeria do not have to deal with.  I like to think of these stress and pressure as of 2 types:

a) domestic stress/ pressure
b) financial stress/ pressure

 
Domestic stress:
Being that most of the time, families abroad live on their own, that is husband, wife and kids without any form of hired help, there’s a lot of pressure on the parents regarding the upkeep of the house.  The upkeep I mean in this instance is the general running of the household.  This includes but not limited to cleaning, cooking, looking after the kids, doing laundry, running errands, grocery shopping etc. You find out that unlike in Nigeria, (where you always have at least some sort of help, maybe a driver, a cook or a maid/ housekeeper/ nanny to take on some duties), here, the whole burden of these roles fall on the shoulders of the parents.  The most critical time is the beginning of the marriage, when the kids are little and require a lot of attention and care.  At that time, they cannot do anything for themselves yet and depend fully on their parents.  They, the parents have to find a way to work together and balance these roles so that the bulk of the pressure isn’t on one person.  This can be a major source of controversy and quarrels if the partners do not handle the issue well. 

In Nigeria, it is considered the woman’s job to cook, do the dishes, clean the house and look after the kids (with help, of course).  The average Nigerian husband, (now I mean husbands in Nigeria) does not know how the house is cleaned.  All he knows is that it is clean.  He has no idea how and when the food is prepared.  He only knows that his food must be passed to him when it’s dinner time.  The Nigerian husband doesn’t know how the kids are dressed, or how the diapers are changed, he just knows they are ready when it’s time to go.  The average Nigerian husband does not know the way to the market.   Just what would wifey and the house helps be doing when he’s at the market?

In America, it’s a different ball-game.  The husband has to be fully involved in the running of the house. He needs to know how to do these things and help out as often as he can.  Even if he is working full-time and the wife is a stay-at-home mom, he still has to help do some house chores whenever he’s home.  It is not strange for him to do the dishes, feed the kids and bathe them, or even cook.  If the wife is also working, he’ll find out that he probably has to do some cooking at some point. 

While living abroad, you depend solely on your mate for back-up.  There is no plan that can be made without the other person being in the know.  Things as simple as a dash to the store, a salon visit, a doctor’s visit, a night out with friends etc, have to be planned once there are kids involved.  In a way, this can make the couple closer and have a more intimate relationship because they are there for each other and know they can depend on each other at all times.

However, what if the guy feels it isn’t in his place to do any house work?  Maybe he feels all he has to do is provide financially for the family and the woman has to do every other thing regarding the upkeep of the house?  What if the woman in question doesn’t know how to cook, clean or keep house?  What if she doesn’t know how to set her priorities and organize herself so that she can usually get most things done most of the time?

How long will one person continue to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and tending to the kids all at the same time?  How long will they continue to eat out or buy frozen dinners? How long will the house continue to be a mess? Or maybe how long will they continue to pay hired help to clean the house (assuming they can afford it)?  Well, if the couple does not have kids yet, maybe they can figure something out.  If however, there are kids involved, the strain will definitely become unbearable at some point.

These are stress elements that aren’t there in the Nigerian setting.  Often times, a house-help is a must-have once one gets married, much more so when the kids start coming.  The man and woman involved have a certain level of the housekeeping burden being shouldered by these helps.  

 You know, thinking back, I’m so grateful for the way I was brought up.  Even amidst the house-helps and all, my mom made sure we had chores way back in elementary school.  I remember I had to sweep the stairs and mop it every Saturday morning.  I also remember her sending all the helps back to their homes during Christmas or long holidays when we got home from boarding school.  She made us do the house chores and take turns in the kitchen.  It definitely wasn’t funny then and I remember always asking why we had to do those chores when we had help.  I am so very glad I got that training because it’s really come in handy living here in America.

It still isn’t easy living here and raising a family, but at least with a good background training, you can ‘manage’ to not get too overwhelmed sometimes.